The not so ‘fine line’ between confidence and arrogance
When I explain to people what I do - that I help people build their confidence - I sometimes get the response “yeah but sometimes people can be over confident and that’s not good”.
I know what they mean; they are talking about loud, boisterous people who take over any conversation they are a part of; the person who liberally offers their opinion at meetings and doesn’t allow anyone else to get a word in edgeways, and the person who walks into a party with a swagger that says “don’t worry everyone, I’m here, so now the party can really start”. We all know one, and it’s easy to confuse this behaviour with confidence. However, what they are actually describing is arrogance, and I assure you they are very, very different.
There is no denying part of confidence is speaking up, being heard and standing up for what you believe in. However there are some fundamental and important differences between a confident person and an arrogant person that should be understood.
Behaviourally, confident people are often calm and relaxed. Don’t confuse being confident with being an extravert; some of the most confident people out there would consider themselves introverts. They feel no need to shout the loudest or be the funniest in the room, but rather get on quietly with what they need to do, handle challenges with logic and patience, and spread positivity amongst those they work and socialise with.
In comparison, arrogant people feel the need to be the biggest, loudest, most dominant presence in the room. They often talk over others and create drama or get angry under stressful conditions. They are quick to put others down, and if they are in a bad mood, those around them will no doubt feel the negativity radiating off them.
When it comes to interacting with others, confident people treat those around them with respect.
They listen to differing opinions, are interested in others and seek advice and help from those they can learn from.
Contrastingly, arrogant people often make others feel uncomfortable by either ignoring, judging or belittling them. They dismiss opinions that don’t match theirs, feel the need to compete and convince those around them that they are the best at everything.
These significant differences are down to one very important distinction, which is that confident people are content with who they are, whilst arrogant people are seeking the approval of others.
True confidence comes from the knowledge that you are living authentically; that means by the values and standards you have chosen for yourself. You are at peace with what you offer and stand for, and place your worth on how you see yourself, rather than how others see you. For that reason, you have no need to pull others down because you are not in competition with them.
When someone is insecure or doesn’t appreciate their own worth, they feel the need to seek validation from external sources.
They are so frightened of judgement that they put on an act of being what they think a confident person is: high status, dominating and in control. This couldn’t be further from the truth, and this overcompensation comes from a very real and crippling fear of rejection. That those around them will confirm or expose their greatest fear: that they aren’t good, or smart, or capable enough.
Rather than confront and work through this fear, they convince those around them that they are something else in the hope that they will be able to convince themselves. They attack and judge others before there is a chance for them to be attacked or judged.
Playboys swagger around bragging about their romantic ‘conquests’, when underneath lies someone frightened they are unlovable. The ‘cool kids’ act aloof and don’t bother speaking to anyone outside their circle because they are each terrified that if they do, they will be exposed as not ‘cool enough’ and be rejected. A manager makes his colleagues feel incompetent in an attempt to deflect scrutiny away from himself, whilst he battles with a belief that he is actually the inadequate one.
Sadly, this doesn’t work, and until you are brave enough to be vulnerable and face your fears, nothing will change and true confidence will not grow.
So confidence is an emotional state that is fuelled from the inside out, whilst arrogance is a behavioural reaction triggered from the fear of those around you. Life is a whole lot easier if you can learn that the only person you need validation from is yourself, and break the shackles of needing others’ approval. It is that liberation that sparks the growth of authentic, long-lasting confidence.